Thursday, February 21, 2008

Pregnant and Paranoid

People often remark, once finding out that I'm pregnant and that I work in L&D, "Oh! How fun! That must make you even more excited!" Wrong. A big wrong. In fact, the only thing it's done is make me that much more paranoid about the whole thing!

L&D is a wonderful job, most of the time. You see two become three in an instant, and it's truly a picture of God's handiwork at it's best. Still, just like with anything in life, things can go wrong, and these situations can haunt a L&D RN throughout her entire pregnancy.

When pregnant with my boys, especially my second, we had a large number of fetal demises that occured between 14-16 weeks of pregnancy. I was the same gestation, and so humbled by how things can be perfect one minute, and then turned completely upside down after a routine OB visit. I remember seeing one women sobbing on her way up the hall, being admitted to a room where she had dreamed of delivering a healthy baby months later. You can't help but to wonder "Why not me?"

With my second, we had three babies born who had anecephaly. You don't know whether to cry or rejoice that it's not you in there, laboring for hours until you deliver a child who may live for minutes or seconds.

I remember the mothers who thought it was nothing, but it really was something. Could that be me?

I'm sitting here with twinges that I'm certain are nothing but round ligament pain, but then I think about the time a patient was diagnosed as RLP and it turned out to be a disasterous ectopic. I know Braxton Hicks will start soon, and those can really make me nervous. I tell myself that I can't spend the next 30 weeks worried like this, but it's truly a struggle. I have six additional years of L&D work since my last pregnancy, and I've seen just how precious and unpredictable life can be. Death, disease, abnomalities, etc. do not descriminate. You can take your vitamins, rest, and be smart with what you expose yourself to. Still ,that may not be enough, and that makes me nuts.

People say that fear does not come from God. True. This time I can honestly say it comes from work, a place that most think is the happiest job on Earth. How did you cope with pregnancy fears? I'd love to know . . . .

4 comments:

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh wow- I can't imagine! I only had fears lately because of being so sick, but I just trust that baby is doing ok!

Steph

Rach said...

Ahh, hun, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better! With so much technology these days, there's a lot of babies being brought through the worst and turning out okay. Keep you head up and try, try to relax...go for a prenatal massage!

ccw said...

I had always wondered about the paranoia and L&D nurses. I know normal women freak about everything so I was unsure if having the knowledge made it easier or more difficult because you see both good and bad outcomes.

Sending you happy thoughts to you and the baby. It is only ligament pain!

Shana said...

Oh my gosh, Amy! I'm freaking out now! Fetal demises betweet 14-16 weeks? Did they just miscarry then, but the baby demised before 12 weeks? I was feeling so good- since my OB told me after 12 weeks there would only be a 1% chance of m/c... Am I feeling too safe?

Okay, off to google anecephaly...

Hugs, Shana