Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Zoo

I took the two younger kids to the zoo today. Fall is not too far around the corner, and the weather was perfect; low humidity and 80 degrees. Loved it.

Towards the end of the trip someone approached me about adoption, and how a difficult childbirth has left her unable to conceive again. They are looking into adoption, and they are at a loss when it comes to where to start the process.

What she does know is that she wants to adopt domestically and that she is "open" to only certain races.

"I'm worried that if the baby is black or biracial, they will think that I'm the mother and well, you know . . . They'll think it's mine but not my husband's. You'll never have that issue because your daughter looks nothing like you . . . "

Am I missing something or is this sort of off? Worried that people would question your fidelity based on the appearance of your family? We never gave this a thought when we considered adoption, and I'm wondering if this is truly a concern for adoptive parents.

Thoughts anyone?


Carolyn said...

For all she knows, Anna could be the result from a wild night you had in China! She makes assumptions and worries that other people will pass them on as well. Instead, she should focus on what truly matters-that you are taking another human into your home to be part of your family.

Chinamama4 said...

Sigh! Some folks just don't "get it".
The thing is, she said that "people will think she's *mine* but not my husband's..." It sounds like she needs to learn what *mine* really means before she adopts a child of ANY race!

Amy said...

Sometimes, after crazy comments, I want to tell people "Well, we think there was a mix up at the IVF clinic . . ." and watch people squirm. Sounds cruel but sometimes people can be so out there with their questions.
I was thinking about the "mine" thing too. "They'll think she's mine but not my husband's . . "
Honestly, who cares what people think!?!? You've got bigger things to worry about when it comes to adoption and having a child, period!

Fiona said...

Hello...I've been reading your blog for a while and this is probably as good a time as any to introduce myself! I'm from NZ and live in Japan with our obviously biracial daughter and agree with what the others have said.....that is, that there are much more important things to worry about than who 'fathered' the child.
What's more important is "is he a good father?" I'm sure people realise my Dd is biracial though I've never felt any negative vibes from anyone.

The fact that she is worried that people will judge her based on who fathered her offspring, is a worry.

Rach said...

Oh my...if she goes around life worrying about only what others think...this is what she would teach a child. I worry about those adopting and making comments like that, will they try to pass their child off as biological and not be open about adoption??? I have to laugh at my own situation, if she thinks people think along those lines, then it looks like I've had children with 3 different fathers...LOL:)

ccw said...

Having no first hand experience with adoption, I will not even begin to think that I understand all of the emotions that go into the decision.

However, this woman has serious issues. Is she in jr. high? I can't believe that someone would be open to adoption and then be so concerned with physical appearance. Does she not realize that even a bio. child can look nothing like either parent?

Danielle said...'s just sad to me to think that some people are so confined by what others think. I've been there at times--not with this issue, but with caring way too much about other's perceptions. May we all find more freedom on our journeys to live for what is truly important and let the other things fall away.

Shawnda said...

Hey! Thanks so much for the comment on my blog and sharing this with me!

Looks like you got a taste of the sad realities of the misconceptions of adoption! BUT a great moment to educate! : ) The first thing that stood out to me was that she said that she was afraid people would think the child is "hers". When you adopt - the child DOES BECOME YOURS, and if she's afraid of somebody thinking the child is hers, then adoption probably isn't for her family!

Maybe I'm way off, but it just sounds like she's the kind of person who would say "are you their 'real' parents?".

Granted, I understand what she was referring to (her own reputation in the face of strangers), but it doesn't matter why or how people might perceive your family.....adopted children ARE your children by covenant, and if you consider adopted children any less "yours" then bio children, then, again, adoption should not be considered. I think that fear of being judged by others brought out her true feelings about adopted children, and that's a great reason for her to not consider adoption!

I don't think you are off - I think she was off in her understanding of adoption, her maturity (considering what others think more important than her own values), and her ideas of race....though it seems her values and ideas of race are more about what other people think than about her own convictions. : (

But even's hard to comment not knowing the lady at all....don't want to judge her too quickly! ; ) Just sounds like ignorance!

Val said...

(slapping my forehead) Anyway, if she's worried about what's going in in people's heads, um, maybe she'd be surprised at how little people actually care/think how your family was formed. :o) I have an acquaintance who has a mix of adopted and foster kids. She had them all at the grocery story, and they were in rare form that day. Someone asked the inevitable "are they all YOURS?" She looked at them and half-snarled, "YES, but they all have different fathers." ;o)